Mortality Attack

I am having a mortality attack right now. I am not sure if its a real thing and id it happens to people frequently, but it has happened to me couple to times before and its happening right now.

The symptoms of mortality attack are:

1. You realize that life is too short to do all the things you want to.
2. You think that ultimately you have to die and no body really knows what happens after you die. And then you start thinking that whatever you are doing - for yourself or for people around you - is that enough or is there even a need to do all that. Or we should just flow with the things and see how life takes its course or should you maximize this time. And even if you want to maximize the time - what exactly do you mean by maximizing.
   
3. You think that your loved ones are unhappy and then you start questioning/blaming yourself for it.
4. You think that there is so much unrest in the world such as abject poverty, unhappiness, hatred that you start thinking whether you deserve this life or you should give away everything for a better cause. Is leaving everything the better cause or being with the people who love you and whom you love and keeping them happy is the better cause. This feeling has come to me so many times that it sometimes becomes unbearable. Specially when I see poor people who are weak and helpless, I really can't justify the food I am eating.

Please note that these feelings are not to prove to people that I care etc., but these are very selfish emotions because I really want to look at myself and say that I deserve to be in this world. And these are very ambitious things, even more ambitious than getting back to back promotions to becoming the youngest CEO. Because this is a fight within me - a fight to decide a path. The fight to whether give in to mortality or to stand and spread love. To go all out to make this world a better place or to just stay in the surroundings and keep people around me happy. I should confess here that most of times I am very selfish and I want to buy the best clothes or to stay in nice homes. The materialistically selfish me takes over the other me.

I have had these or similar symptoms before. For the first time when I was a kid and there were floods all around and people were dying. The kid in me was happy because the school was closed for more than a month but the cynic in me wanted to join the armed forces who were distributing food so that I could just contribute even in the smallest way. I did not share my wish with anyone because the kids around me were happy to be away from school (like one part of me) that I thought I would look foolish if I say something like this and which kid wants to look foolish. And thus I gave in for the not so good and selfish me.

This has always been the conclusion of the mortality attack. I look at the variables and sometimes I get scared of the tough life I might face if I don't follow the obvious path. Since I am confused about the right thing to do and i really don't have the guts to go all in, I am thinking of taking a middle path and I promise to you all and to myself to do the following two things:

1. To be more giving in relationships. To be absolutely selfless and do all I can for the people I love and for those who love me. No hidden agenda.
2. To at least make efforts to do something for the world. To make difference in someones life - directly or indirectly.

The promises have been made and will keep you posted on the updates. I hope there are updates and they are worth mentioning. Please pray for me people.

Love,
SM